Twelve years ago today I made the hardest decision, a decision no person should ever have to make. Peter was in ICU for two weeks after a 15 1/2 year battle of lymphoma, we were waiting for some sort of sign, it came. Now the question – do I unplug life support or not? I did. Our children were present and waited until we heard his last breath – numbness is the only word I can use to explain the feeling. My daughter was only six months older than I was when my dad died and my son - right in the middle of the ages I was when mom died.

Peter was an incredible musician, with an equally incredible work ethic. He came from an amazing strong generous loving family. The support I have received from them is heartwarming. His paternal grandparents were both pianists and came from Russia.  My mother was an amazing pianist as well.

Peter and I met as freelance musicians while we were both in grad school and were hired for a freelance job playing the Messiah. We started seeing each other and 20 months later he went on to play as the Principal violist of the Richmond Symphony. I was fortunate to have a friend who worked for the airline's share her buddy pass with me so I was able to commute to Richmond to play extra oboe for the Richmond Symphony when needed. We married a few years later and had two amazing children. I enjoy seeing how they have picked up some of his strongest traits.

He spent years auditioning and getting in the finals with some of the best orchestras in the world - like the Chicago Symphony. When our children were about to turn one and three, about the same age my grandsons are now. Peter auditioned for the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra (PSO), made it through the semi-finals and finals and was asked to sub for a violist on maturity leave for a European tour. While in Madrid Spain, Maestro Maazel welcomed him into the PSO. I sold the house before he returned and we were on our way to Steeler territory. We drove up to find and buy a house, went home early as he wasn’t feeling well and within a few days later he was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma. His first treatment regiment was through the National Institute for Health. I fly to Pittsburgh and rented a home, friends helped pack the house and we moved to Pittsburgh, all while he was being treated..

This was all such a shock, I had lost my own parents when 13 & 17. I was looking forward to him having his dream job in a city I really liked. But cancer took the wind out of us. Peter would commute to Maryland for treatment several times a month for nine months and I would try to find a support system with a one and 3 year old children. 

As in every relationship, we had our ups and downs, with all I have learned about energy, our subconscious mind and more, I have a totally different look on life than I did then. I remember one of the conversations we would have upon occasion throughout our marriage. “Is it worst to grow up with parents who end up divorced while in middle school or to lose both parents to death? I’ve come to the place where it really doesn’t matter, both have negative effects on our subconscious mind. Trauma happened for both us and affected our subconscious minds. I  know for me, I learned to stuff my feelings. By the time I graduated from High School I weighed 255 lbs., I became a stuffing expert and found other unhealthy ways to stuff as well. I had definitely stepped into a victim mentality. I know he created his own coping methods as well. It wasn’t until 3 years ago, when I had a minor stroke experience, that rocketed my life change. The stroke was a catalyst to waking me up. I was on my way down a dark road and fears of being a burden to my children. I will be forever grateful to the man I dated for a month shortly before my catalyst. He told me about ‘A Course in Miracles’, Gregg Braden and Dr. Joe Dispenza. I also had visited a cousin the week before my stroke experience, she had a friend over who also told me about ‘A Course in Miracles’, I considered the timing of this a serendipitous, life-changing experience. 

I started investing in myself and have no regrets. I have no idea what my relationship with Peter would be like, had his path been different, but I do know my subconscious mind was not the best for a healthy relationship. I am now in a better place than I ever remember being in. I was now willing to step past the fear of looking at the emotions I had been stuffing and fear of diving into what created my unhealthy subconscious thinking. I started doing the work of making lasting changes and moving out of victim mentality with the help of an awesome coach and others. I am so grateful and happy. I discovered my souls purpose - to help others step beyond their fears and limiting beliefs. I do so as a Reiki Master / Energy Medicine Practitioner and Certified Life Coach for Transformation. I am thoroughly enjoying my grandsons who are now one and three and the work I do to help others. I play recordings of their grandpa’s music for them and this fall I was able to take the older one to the Pittsburgh Symphony’s Fiddlesticks concert. One of the members who played string quartet outreach concerts with Peter, was demonstrating the cello. I told Abel that Mr. Adam played with his grandpa Peter. Abel enjoyed our outing to the PSO!

I do find it ironic that Peter and I met on the Messiah job in Houston and the last outing we had together was to hear the PSO perform the Messiah.